Petit à Petit - Little by Little.

When home becomes a mindset rather than a place or a feeling. When does it get better?

I know its probably hormones tearing my physical and mental body apart viciously, but I have been consumed by the sadness of trying to ‘find’ and ‘feel’ home for almost 5 years now.

 

I remember a client asked me how I like it having been around for a while now, and I heard myself saying it constantly feels like a phase. It feels temporary and I cannot allow myself settle. It feels like I’m just passing by so I’m just counting down.

My friend said it’s also because of the unsettled status we have. Constantly worrying about visa and whatnot. Not to say that having a permanent residency status would automatically make it ‘home’ but it could provide the mental and even physical security to plant yourself in this land because you know you’re here to stay. You can now start to build things and immerse yourself etc. A bonus point could be having someone to carry this weight with. But until then.

 

You’re literally at the bottom of the ocean breathing your last, but in reality, only you can see and feel that ocean. You’re exhausted from worries, what ifs, and if it’s all worth it in the end. It’s a constant battle. 

 

On the other hand, you want to be grateful, and truth is you are grateful. For the opportunities, for the journey, and for the hope (even though it appears vague). You want to keep your internal dying - internal. You want the Joy of the Lord to be evident in your life. You want to trust God in the wilderness while showing up with joy. You understand the theory of pain before the gain.

 

But how do you show up when you barely exist. How do you present the ghost of you as a person who has faith and who is running towards a goal. How do you live as a freeman when all you see are prison bars.

 

Today I just want to rant! I’m not an ungrateful person but I’m definitely not loving this phase of the journey. I don’t know what phase of your life you’re in just now, but I hope you’re enjoying it. If you’re in a similar phase, I pray that God’s grace that has sustained us thus far will see us till the very end. You’re not ungrateful for acknowledging that some things and some stages are hard. You’re just human, dealing with life. Remember to hold God tight regardless!

 

Again, what a privilege it is to be faced with such a dilemma. But also, hard things are HARD. These two truths can coexist. I know I’m not crazy and I’m not alone. I am deeply grateful and equally exhausted!

 

What has encouraged you or is encouraging you in this phase?