Divorced again!!! Oh Lord have mercy

 How dare this man have a girlfriend after asking me how the weather is in my city? Does he not see how hard I work to take care of him and our four children living a luxurious life in my imagination? How dare he cheat on me? What is wrong with him? The other time it was K from the bank, who collected my two phone numbers and even asked me to back up my photos in his phone, and he never called. How dare he? Did he think I gave him those minutes of my life for him to just abandon me and our 3 girls just like that? I don’t know maybe my village people have sworn on my head ooh, that is making all these men leave me. I try my best to be a good wife and mother, but they all just leave. It’s like there’s something on my head that says ‘trials’ only, try out this product but do not buy.

So I had an honest conversation with myself before proceeding to the court of JUDGE JUST!. It just started to bug me lately that I have a man problem, which is not ideal because if you check well you won't find anything. But it's been ringing non-stop in my head, "why do you put so much effort into dreaming and wishing for a man to come and love you genuinely, sweep you off your feet, and do right by you? Where do you put God's love since you're so obsessed with this one? Are you now sidelining God's love?"

Wait! Pause!. But I love God. The reason I know love is beautiful is because of the love of God. The way God's love overwhelms me and sweeps me off my feet is the reason I refuse to settle. So why is it now a problem to ask God to give His beloved daughter a taste of that love in human flesh? That aside, I believe I have come of age to desire such things. But my spirit man has decided that I'm so stuck up and has charged me to court. 

So the day before court, I had a chat with the mirror. I almost had to bribe her to be as transparent and sincere as possible, but it was a worthy chat in the end. The discussion was initially going back and forth until she said, "what if God is giving you this time to grow? You know for most of your life, you've been living inside your head and hardly let anyone in. So what if this is the time to set yourself up? Identify your standards, set your boundaries, and most importantly finish all those drafts of books and articles you have on your laptop. You know for the longest of time, you've been trying to learn focus and committing to a project till the end. Probably God wants you to be strong and defined before He gives you out. You know He's a jealous lover and you're one of His prized possessions, so He can't give you out to just anyone. He is very intentional with whomever He chooses to share you with. And honestly, why do you think you need romance in your life right now? Because it's working for people doesn't make it ideal for you."

I promise you I had many replies in my head but I didn't say anything. As usual, my mind had wandered away, exploring all the instances and assumptions she had made. But romance doesn't hurt anyone now? Why am I the only one having all these troubles because I want human security for my emotions? Other people are thriving, doing great things, and even doing ministry with their significant others. Why is it only my own that has a question mark? And when I ask, I still feel guilty. If it's something about my personality, just say it and I'll put in the work without any hard feelings. Then my Spirit man whispered to me that it was time for my court meeting. I snapped out of my fantasy, took my pen and paper with an intent to storm into the court. But as I was swallowing my last liver, I heard the judge say "I don't reward good gifts based on good behavior. I reward because I love".I can't remember what followed, but I know I entered that court on my knees almost in tears. The Judge said, 

"I know you've come here for me to tell you areas you need to work on and why you don't have romance in your life just yet, but I would rather not. First of all, I will point out to you that while you are deserving, your thoughts for wanting this are not genuine and are not Godly. That doesn't mean that you won't get it, but if you want to secure that with Me, we might need to do more work which will take more time. You need to work on your mind. I see how distracted and lost you get when it comes to this topic, and even though you try so hard to find Me in your fantasies, the truth is that you want it because you feel you've done enough to deserve it. And I just wonder if you're really sincere with Me and if you really trust Me and seek to glorify Me with your life. The focus is Jesus and nothing else. If after all, and from the beginning till the end of all your fantasies, there's no glory for Me, then that is where your problem is. I wish to give you everything that you desire and more, especially the things that will amplify goodness and peace. But I want your life, not just in words and desires, but in your thoughts and actions as well. My love is sufficient for you, and when the time is right you will have an extension of this love in your significant other. Maybe there are habits and behaviours you need to work on, but the number one score you and I have to settle is your heart. Fix it right!!!"......................................

Still trying to find a resolve, more like trying to figure out how to appreciate love and not be fixated on it for the wrong reasons. I'm trying to work on and finish the articles and books on my laptop, just as the mirror girl said. I also learned that I have a few miles to cover in being self-aware, loving myself, and accepting love from friends and family. So I guess, I probably wasn't ready after all. 

Are you in a situation like mine? Or maybe you have some advice that would help me, I'd really appreciate it if you share😊