A short 'distressed' story...

I was drunk last night and I staggered to the mirror, I promise you I didn't recognize myself. Before then, I had myself beat up about how people just drink alcohol without any occasion - alone. Tears that I had been finding for months had finally come and I was ready to let it all out. But then I found myself not wanting to think and just wanting to escape the thoughts, and I remembered that alcohol is the agent. All I could think about was downing so much of that bitter content so that I could pass out on my bed and sleep for longer than I usually would. I knew how ugly it had gotten for me to choose alcohol over music and movies, and the mirror gave me a physical representation of that ugliness.

For months now I have resented myself and I haven't been able to look past my shortcomings because I know I can do better and be better. I chose to show up regardless and that caused me to ignore my feelings and suppress my emotions. I mean, I wasn't going to let the devil guilt me into disappearing again when there is so much I can do and need to do. So I said NO, I wasn't going to retreat and give the devil a chance to waste my time and my life. Right now, I don't know what I feel I'm just clueless.

My body, soul, and mind have worn out the effectiveness of music. Found all the drafts of my books and after reading them, I still couldn't connect to any deeper feeling. I'm thinking it's something that has to do with emotional intelligence or so, but I'll be lying if I say I'm not scared that I don't know how to continue my writings as it doesn't even feel like I started the writings.

Been disconnected a few times so I know I'll get through this. Taking this season as effects of environment and not one of those 'life phases'. I used to know who I was, whether or not I gave myself good enough credit, but now I'm clueless. Conflicting values and unpleasant self-discoveries with no form of attachment whatsoever.

I woke up this morning and the first thing my brain visualized was the ugliness of me in the mirror last night and I have been starring at my ceiling for hours on, utterly disgusted and somehow still void of any deeper feeling.

My life coach said "reflection" but why is this all I can find????