I want to be here

I've known for a while how messy my mental health is, but I have never felt more threatened than I am now. Word of mouth and google articles say trauma, attachment problems, anxiety, etc are common causing factors and I concur. At the point of being aware of these struggles, I took refuge in ghosting. This is me shamelessly admitting that I always run away from challenges, and I never want to put myself out there because of irrational fears. They may have seemed valid at the moment, but in the long run has cost me so much. I know a number of great people, and I have come to that point where I want to do right by them. Regardless of the limitations, I am aware of how powerful my mind is, and if I decide to show up for people, I can and I will. But I keep giving excuses and taking the shield of 'mental health'.

Me, myself, and I eventually made a pact to show up for our people, stretch ourselves, LIVE and LOVE. The part about just being aware was really great, but once it got to the practical part, it was WAR - has been WAR. We got past the stage of accepting that there are genuine people and we can't just keep cutting everyone off or keeping things on the surface, because - people leave, disappointment, etc. We got past the stage where we don't do things because people are looking and that what's they approve, but because it makes us happy and fulfilled. How hard could it be to just walk into this reality? My safe walls started to crumble and I don't remember what I saw that made me scared again. Now it's a war with and within myself. Something is tirelessly trying to convince me that I don't deserve the people and things I have and it's been a struggle of making myself available, being receptive, and being able to give back. 

Lately, there's this scary reminder that the clock is ticking. I prepare myself, get to the door and put one foot outside to see if the conditions are favorable to walk on, then I pull my foot back thinking to myself that 'I might have to come back later for this' - keep hiding, not doing things, and ghosting people. I saw a post today that said 'two places I don't want to be are back and forth' and I laughed because those are the two places that I have been shuffling for a really long time. 

I want to be here, not back and forth. Not having time for regrets because I'm busy loving, living, showing up, trying new things, celebrating, and just being present. I want to take trips and go on adventures that many of my people are not really into, but I go anyways because the fire of my passion cannot be put out. Ideally, I want to do what my heart wants, chase those dreams, take those risks and more, because it's up to me to make the most of the life I've got. Not sure if I'm to apply more pressure or take things slowly to be present in this life of mine, in body, soul, and spirit. But I want to do all it takes to shake of the shackles of fear. 

I just want to be here now that I am and now that I can.